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“It can be about feeling like you’re not special, or feeling like this thing belonged to me and now someone’s taken it.”She said it was rough for her when Jonica first moved in.Sarah had been accustomed to seeing Michael whenever she wanted, but she started to feel a pang when he spent time with Jonica.“At first I thought, ‘Is something bad happening, something I don’t want to support? “No, I want to support Michael and Jonica in being together. I can be an anxious person, so maybe I was feeling anxious. I might go for a walk or play guitar.“It’s part of learning a healthy self-awareness and the ability to self-soothe,” she added.And polyamorous arrangements are not quite the same as “open relationships” because in polyamory, the third or fourth or fifth partner is just as integral to the relationship as the first two are.Polyamory overlaps somewhat with geek culture, such as cosplay, or the kink world, such as BDSM.“I notice what I’m feeling, and do a dive inward.”Two-person marriage, be it gay or straight, is still such the norm that even the most progressive among us do a double-take when someone says they like their relationships a little more populous.(This stigma is also why, with the exception of the Northern Virginia triad, all of the other polyamorous sources in this article asked to go either by their first names or pseudonyms).“Growing up, I never understood why loving someone meant putting restrictions on relationships,” Michael said.“What I love about polyamory is that everything is up for modification,” Sarah says.“There are no ‘shoulds.’ You don’t have to draw a line between who is a lover and who is a friend.
“There’s no one way to do polyamory” is a common refrain in “the community.” Polyamory—which literally means “many loves”—can involve any number of people, either cohabiting or not, sometimes all having sex with each other, and sometimes just in couples within the larger group.During the actual sex, the women get interested in each other, and the men describe it as ‘not all that.’”Even many devout monogamists admit that it can be hard for one partner to supply the full smorgasbord of the other’s sexual and emotional needs.When critics decry polys as escapists who have simply “gotten bored” in traditional relationships, polys counter that the more people they can draw close to them, the more self-actualized they can be.“Polys” are more likely to be liberal and educated, she said, and in the rare cases that they do practice religion, it’s usually paganism or Unitarian Universalism.Polys differentiate themselves from swingers because they are emotionally, not just sexually, involved with the other partners they date.